Text - OTA

[not_as_i_do]

Sometimes I'll be in the middle of a day of work and forget all of this. You have to be able to ... to put it away somewhere, just to focus on what needs doing.

But then some strange little random thing will remind me, and it all comes crashing back. Today, it was a young man's eyes, on the subway home. They were so blue, and I thought, 'my son has eyes like that'. But I don't have a son. Not here. But I do in the memories.

I know I should probably save these things for group, but ... somehow it's easier putting them here in writing. I feel like ... it should still all be secret. Like I should be used to keeping secrets.

I've never been secretive in my life.

Does anyone else have moments like this?

Comments

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[howkickassiam]

Same here. I'm an open book at the best of times. I've been holding this stuff in though, in a way where it comes out at 3am when I'm drunk.

[ This is a clear reference to his network posting of a few nights ago. ]

[not_as_i_do]

Oh yes. Saw that a bit after the fact, or I would have said something. Has ... having some time to sit with the memory helped any since it returned?

[howkickassiam]

Kind of. It would have been better if I could remember who she was. Or anything about her. You know? Instead of just remembering how much I felt toward her and how I decided to let her go.

[not_as_i_do]

Seems like you never realize just how tangled up in each other your memories are until they're parceled out like this. ... And I mean 'you' in the collective sense. I don't know a single other thing about my son, either. Just that he is ... and what he looks like, sounds like. Nothing else. It's utterly surreal. I can only imagine having that same conundrum about a lover. That ... well, it sucks, I'm sure. A lot.

[howkickassiam]

Yeah, it's like that. Having a son you didn't know about would be crazy, too, so I really feel you there.

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[traceofeffort]

Ugh, yeah, this stuff kills me on more than one side. It's not bad some days, I'll be humming and then it'll be something from another life. And then on the bad days it's like I'm missing friends I never had and it just hurts.

[not_as_i_do]

So you've been getting the memories long enough to be able to connect them. Like finding pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. ... Is it changing how you interact with people? I ... In the only memory I have right now, I'm alone, and I get the feeling I'd been alone for quite a while. I'd imagine that changes people... would change me.

[traceofeffort]

[Lisa laughs tonelessly, before she remembers she's communicating text-only and huffs at her phone.]

I kinda have the opposite problem. I'm a little bit of a lone wolf trying to prove something on this side, and my memories are of a girl surrounded by people that like her more than she likes herself, and that she works together with to reach new heights. It's definitely made me rethink how I talk to people.

[not_as_i_do]

Then it sounds like this has been inspiring for you, in certain situations.

Whatever you feel you need to prove, I'm sure you'll be just fine. Are you still working on that song you told me about on the subway?

[traceofeffort]

Yeah, surprisingly. I'm trying to internalize some of her better traits, but she's pretty good at taking things as they come.

Ah, right, I was still working on LOUDER when I saw you before. I made pretty good progress on that one - we had a beach party a month, maybe six weeks ago, and I played it there for the first time. It was fantastic. I've got a recording, I should send you the YouTube link. Anyway, I was dancing around it then, but it's one of hers - from my memories. I've got more.

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[neverjedi]

All the time.

One of the guys here was my... student and nearly child in another life. I trip over it all the time and find myself thinking things that don't apply here at all. Like being responsible for him or wanting to call him kid when he's my age.

It's frustrating and the more memories I get the worse it gets.

[not_as_i_do]

That sounds like a mindfuck if I ever heard one. Pardon my French, but it was the best fit. ... Have you experienced the same memories? It must be strange if you have to compare notes... One having a memory that the other one doesn't, and so forth.

[neverjedi]

We have one shared memory. Otherwise, there hasn't been any other overlap - I have memories of him that he doesn't have. It's... confusing.

[not_as_i_do]

Almost like one of you reading a book from the beginning and the other reading it from the end, is it?

:-/

[there's no suitable emoji for the little puff of a sigh he just made, but that will have to suffice]

How long have you both known you're connected to each other?

[neverjedi]

A few months, I think? More than three, less than six. Like I said, it's been strange-

but it's not bad.

[darkforcerising]

It's like waking up and you suddenly don't have an arm anymore and you've got a robotic replacement.

You try to go about life like normal but you look down and there it is! A robotic arm! And you think, 'I didn't consent to this!'

But still: robotic arm.

[not_as_i_do]

Not the analogy I would have gone with, but it's certainly apt, dear boy. ... Are things like that commonplace in your memories, then?

[darkforcerising]

It's common place in my now life.

Though it wouldn't surprise me if it's in my memories, I'm forced to do a lot of dangerous things. It's surprising I'm not dead yet in my memories.

[not_as_i_do]

Really! That's fascinating. Do you work in some sort of rehabilitation field?

[medical curiosity quite piqued]

Forced to! That must be unsettling as hell when those memories come back.

[darkforcerising]

I lost my right arm in a jet crash.

My memories are a real hoot.

[consortofalderaan]

I think this is a common feeling among the group of us.

And who can you tell outside of us?

[not_as_i_do]

Well, I suppose that's the question for the ages, isn't it? They say we aren't meant to discuss this outside the group, but... If I eventually have enough of these ... other bits of myself ... It's bound to impact how I handle and carry myself. The brain is a very adaptable thing, and the body follows suit. These memories, what if I end up swapping my current knowledge and expertise for something completely different? I'm a surgeon, there's far too much in my mind that I can't afford to lose or replace, for my patients' sakes. If any of that changes ... someone either on my staff or my table is bound to notice.

[consortofalderaan]

On that I think you can be assured won't happen. I have not, and no one I've talked to has experienced, or heard of anyone experiencing memory loss. We're only gaining memories, not replacing what we already have.

As to how those memories affect us, that is a different question altogether and one I think can only be answered on an individual basis. I know from my own experience, and from talking with others, that many of us actually feel the emotions that come with the memories. And I think that can change us - our perspectives, our understanding of self.

But like with the things we experience here, now, we still have a choice- in fact I think we have more choice in how we act in regard to our memories because those experiences are separate from this life. The same situations that happened there are not here creating external pressures shaping what we can choose to do with ourselves.

[not_as_i_do]

The emotions, yes...

[he trails off a little, still listening to Bail, but it's all colored by the feeling of his one tiny memory so far: desperation, threaded with joy and hope. if he were to think about it hard enough, as he has some nights since, he could feel echoes of it. the sweet, deep ache of missing a child, of seeing him again, of being petrified that it will never happen again. he hasn't missed anyone like that since his father died.]

I think ... I think that's some wonderful insight, actually. In fact, I'd even wager a guess that my other self - is that what people call them? - is far more emotional than I tend to be.

[consortofalderaan]

That does seem to be the common terminology. Other self, memories of another life.

My other self seems to be the same temperment, from the little I've seen. I suppose that could change, but among the few memories I've received I watched a dictactor overthrow a legitimate government, and I was quite measured in my response.

Does it bother you that your other self is more emotional?