Text - OTA

[not_as_i_do]

Sometimes I'll be in the middle of a day of work and forget all of this. You have to be able to ... to put it away somewhere, just to focus on what needs doing.

But then some strange little random thing will remind me, and it all comes crashing back. Today, it was a young man's eyes, on the subway home. They were so blue, and I thought, 'my son has eyes like that'. But I don't have a son. Not here. But I do in the memories.

I know I should probably save these things for group, but ... somehow it's easier putting them here in writing. I feel like ... it should still all be secret. Like I should be used to keeping secrets.

I've never been secretive in my life.

Does anyone else have moments like this?

Comments

[consortofalderaan]

I think this is a common feeling among the group of us.

And who can you tell outside of us?

[not_as_i_do]

Well, I suppose that's the question for the ages, isn't it? They say we aren't meant to discuss this outside the group, but... If I eventually have enough of these ... other bits of myself ... It's bound to impact how I handle and carry myself. The brain is a very adaptable thing, and the body follows suit. These memories, what if I end up swapping my current knowledge and expertise for something completely different? I'm a surgeon, there's far too much in my mind that I can't afford to lose or replace, for my patients' sakes. If any of that changes ... someone either on my staff or my table is bound to notice.

[consortofalderaan]

On that I think you can be assured won't happen. I have not, and no one I've talked to has experienced, or heard of anyone experiencing memory loss. We're only gaining memories, not replacing what we already have.

As to how those memories affect us, that is a different question altogether and one I think can only be answered on an individual basis. I know from my own experience, and from talking with others, that many of us actually feel the emotions that come with the memories. And I think that can change us - our perspectives, our understanding of self.

But like with the things we experience here, now, we still have a choice- in fact I think we have more choice in how we act in regard to our memories because those experiences are separate from this life. The same situations that happened there are not here creating external pressures shaping what we can choose to do with ourselves.

[not_as_i_do]

The emotions, yes...

[he trails off a little, still listening to Bail, but it's all colored by the feeling of his one tiny memory so far: desperation, threaded with joy and hope. if he were to think about it hard enough, as he has some nights since, he could feel echoes of it. the sweet, deep ache of missing a child, of seeing him again, of being petrified that it will never happen again. he hasn't missed anyone like that since his father died.]

I think ... I think that's some wonderful insight, actually. In fact, I'd even wager a guess that my other self - is that what people call them? - is far more emotional than I tend to be.

[consortofalderaan]

That does seem to be the common terminology. Other self, memories of another life.

My other self seems to be the same temperment, from the little I've seen. I suppose that could change, but among the few memories I've received I watched a dictactor overthrow a legitimate government, and I was quite measured in my response.

Does it bother you that your other self is more emotional?

[not_as_i_do]

Well, you sure sound as though you're caught in the middle of something in those memories. How intriguing.

... I don't think it bothers me. It's a curiosity, an oddity, but not upsetting. I just want to know more. To understand why that ... version of me ... feels as strongly as they do. What sort of differences mark our respective lives.

[consortofalderaan]

Yes. Hopefully more memories will dispell the questions I have.

Are you wondering what part of you is in this past self?

[not_as_i_do]

Well, if nothing else, I know we share the same profession, so that's a start. What about you, are you seeing any paralells?

[consortofalderaan]

In my memories, I am a senator from outer space. I have no personal experience from which to draw reference.

[not_as_i_do]

Well, now! [he blinks in surprise] I can certainly see how that would be a bit more difficult to relate to ... well, here and now. But you're not in politics in any fashion, here, then? ... Your name does seem familiar.

[consortofalderaan]

I am a psychologist, here.

May father was a politician and so is my older brother. You are perhaps thinking of them.

[not_as_i_do]

Maybe? ... But maybe not. I'm a physician, so I may have spotted you on a referral or two.