Video - Diving into online dating apps

[serpentinthegarden]

[ Strange dreams from the night before plagued his mind but he settled down to try and carry on with his chosen mission in spite of them. ]

Are you a man or a woman interested in finding a man or a woman?

[ Anthony read the question carefully before typing in an answer and speaking it aloud although he was sitting alone. ]

Sure.

[ He wasn't entirely certain what Alec's preferences were so Anthony hedged his bets and picked both. All the better to give his antisocial cousin as many choices as possible. The profile pages were filled out with Alec's information, the usual age, sex and location goodies along with the likes and dislikes... which were heavier on the dislikes than the likes. And it was rounded out with a handsomely smiling selfie of Anthony himself. They did practically look like twins! So what if the smile was a lie and unlikely to actually be seen on Alec's face. The potential new couple could work that out when they finally met.

Anthony sat in the gloom of his bedroom typing up as many online dating profiles on his laptop as there were online dating websites. Not for him of course, he had some one. It was Alec's own fault for making it sound like he was out there looking for some one to love and going about it in entirely the wrong ways. He just needed a little help, a friendly nudge to get the ball rolling and then the rest was entirely up to him only some of these questions were so outlandish and wild that they needed to be shared with the 'Different' crowd! ]

How do you prefer to be kissed, slow and tender or hard and passionately?

[ He frowned and gestured at his cell phone. ]

How would you even answer anything like that?? We're meeting for the first time not arranging a sleepover! Its a bit much for a profile question isn't it? Only thing worse would be asking how much you are making or... diving right into the do you want kids question.

[ His room was dark with the shades pulled tightly closed and yet he still wore his sunglasses as if he needed them to shield him from the glow of the computer. After a while he grumbled and rubbed at his eyes, while still keeping them very carefully shielded from the camera. ]

Sod it. I'll think of something to write in.

[ Anthony paused and frowned again at the screen.]

And now someone's asking if I'll watch their cat this weekend??

[ Each words was typed angrily. ]

Hire. A. Sitter.
At least a few of these don't look like lost causes. What do you lot think, is the online dating market always this bad? Maybe there is a better site out there?

Comments

[temptationaccomplished]

I see. I understand, of course.

I suppose I will ...just have to get my own doughnuts and distract myself.

[serpentinthegarden]

I, um...

[ That was decidedly unfair! Using his doughnut temptation against him. Damn it all if it wasn't effective. ]

I could watch you? Skype me when you are eating the doughnuts?

[temptationaccomplished]

I’m afraid I don’t remember how to use Skype. [He says, while currently using something presumably very much like Skype]

I could...whatever the angelic equivalent is for slither on over?

Oh, but no. No, that won’t do. We’d have to dim the lights and then you couldn’t possibly see.

[serpentinthegarden]

[ Its plausible enough to be believed however as skype does have some annoying updates which are difficult to navigate. ]

I would see fine. I'm afraid you would be the one lost in the dark.

[ Which actually... Was there a downside to that? ]

How dim?

[temptationaccomplished]

I’d like better than “fumbling around in the dark.”

[serpentinthegarden]

I'll make sure you don't trip over anything in the dark, angel.

[temptationaccomplished]

Yes. But I still wouldn’t be able to see you watching me...

[serpentinthegarden]

That's probably for the best.

[ No one wants neon yellow snake eyes staring at them when they are eating a doughnut. ]

[temptationaccomplished]

But I like you watching me...

[but alright, if all this flirting and pouting isn’t working, time for the direct approach.]

Let me see your eyes.

[serpentinthegarden]

[ UGH! The direct approach! As if it wasn't already difficult to play off the flirting! Flirting, pouting and a direct request were impossible! ]

It's a bad idea over the net... In person?

[temptationaccomplished]

In person, then. I will hold you to it.

[time to fret over what could be so bad.]

[serpentinthegarden]

You won't like it...

[ He says adding to the ominous mood. ]

Just try not to scream?

[temptationaccomplished]

I don’t scream. You scream. Or ...verbally keysmash. I have more poise than that.

You do still HAVE eyes, don’t you?

[serpentinthegarden]

[ Pout. ]

Of course I still have eyes!

[ Him scream? Never! ]

What kind of question is that?!

[temptationaccomplished]

A valid question, I should think! You are a demon. I don’t know... you could have rotting eye sockets or voids or maggots. And I’d hate to think that’s the hand you were dealt, but you must admit it’s a possibility.

[serpentinthegarden]

I've never seen any demon who had rotting eye sockets...

[ ..... ]

Maggots, yes. Pupils large enough to look like voids, sure.
That's not my problem.

[temptationaccomplished]

I see.

Do they glow? Will you be my new nightlight?

[serpentinthegarden]

A nightlight! I'm not some kind of bloody lite brite you can just plug into a wall!

[ He growled and his hand flew to his shades, whipping them off before he really had the time to thing about what a bad idea it was. They were horrible. Bright yellow with snake-like slits and a propensity not to blink... so very non-human. So very demon.
Anthony held his breath and waited for the verdict, telling himself it didn't matter if Aziraphale hated them when actually his opinion was one of the few that would actually matter to him. ]

[temptationaccomplished]

[He gasps, but he had been so preparing for all manner of hideous and ungodly outcomes that this feels mildly anticlimactic. They’re not scary eyes. Not human, no, but human adjacent. Anthony has eyes and they haven’t warped his face. They aren’t drastically different, like black pools of nothing or crystal like bug eyes. They look like something a teenager might buy for their Halloween costume, if he’s honest, and at worse the staring and slit pupils give Anthony a bit of an uncanny valley-ness. He could get used to them, Fell decides. They’re not so bad, even if they’re unnerving.]

[He spends a long silence remapping Anthony’s face with his eyes, fitting this new feature among beautifully familiar and comfortable ones; the fear he’s waiting to settle in doesn’t come. The gaze is entrancing, like a snake prepared to strike.]

Goodness. Snake eyes. I guess I really ought to have seen that coming.

[serpentinthegarden]

[ His head slowly tilted from one side to the other. Should have seen it coming Whether that was an intentional pun or an accidental one it still earned a put out look.

But it could have been so much worse. There weren't any screams, there were no cries that he was now a monster. There had only been the gasp of surprise which seemed reasonable. Anthony himself had done a good deal more cursing and flailing about. ]

Serpent in the garden, snake eyes, apparently I have a theme.

Its not terrible?

[temptationaccomplished]

[oh it was very much like watching a cobra watch you.]

That you have a theme?

[serpentinthegarden]

[ All he needed to do was perfect his swaying and maybe he could hypnotize an angel. ]

The eyes! I don't know how I'm going to explain them... Not everyone is going to see them and be so accepting. If fact most people won't be!

[temptationaccomplished]

Surely you weren't found out and feared all the time in our previous lives. You couldn't have worn sunglasses since the beginning.

Do you think you can convince people they haven't seen anything odd? Demonically skate under the radar, as it were?

After the initial shock, they're not bad. Kind of cute, really. Do they hurt? Has your vision changed?

[serpentinthegarden]

In the beginning I was actually a snake. There was nothing strange about a snake having snake eyes.

Other than the shades, I don't remember what I must have done out there in the human world. It would take a lot I think to influence every single person I meet into thinking everything was normal... You really think I had that much power? I'm not sure I...--

[ Wait. ]

Cute?

[ Parish the silly smitten grin that threatened to blossom across his lips! Cute!

I mean it was a terrible, horrible, no good, FAR too sweet word but when Aziraphale said it the disgusting word turned into poetry.

He thinks my eyes are cute! ]

Nah, they don't hurt. They do make it easier to see in the dark. I'll be able to cheat like hell if we ever end up playing midnight hide 'n seek.

[temptationaccomplished]

[He's even cuter still now that he's smiling like that, like he's madly in love and knows he's madly loved in return. Aziraphale wants to pull him into a kiss and never let him think he's anything less than cute ever again.]

I take it back. Perhaps there's some merit to fumbling in the dark after all.

But yes, maybe not that much power. You could always try contacts? Or a glamour, I think is the technical term for magicking your appearance?