come hither, together we will slither

[temptationaccomplished]

[Video]

[A small (less than 2 feet long), caramel brownish snake with an upturned snout and round pupil eyes appears entirely too close to the screen. It scents the air with its tongue, tips its head slightly as if curious. Must be terribly hard for a snake to use a mobile. Even a smart snake such as this one.* No thumbs.]

[Mr. Fell's voice chirps happily, proudly to himself from across the room, vaguely winded:]

There we go! I think that's a marvelous spot, don't you? Your own little nook all to yourself, a nice bit of heat to keep you snug, and I think you'll like the view--prime real estate really, and that painting has such lovely colors, ...

Do snakes see colors? [Fell ponders that a minute.] What are you doing? No, no. That's not yours. First you scare me half to death, and now you act like you own the place--

[As he comes into view and picks up the phone, the little snake refuses to release it, twisting and turning and then abruptly, dramatically playing dead, tongue lolling out of its mouth and all. He pokes and the snake throws itself into another over-dramatic theatrical showing of 'Leave me, I'm dead!' without relinquishing the phone. Fell shakes his head.]

You're an absolute terror. I shan't reward your bad behavior just because you throw a fit.

[The lolled tongue goes 'pffft'. Aziraphale leaves the snake to the phone.] Fine. You keep your ill-gotten gains, you fiend. See if I care.

[The video terminates as the snake finally manages to open the contacts...maybe places a few calls.]





[[* the snake in question is a wizard's familiar.]]

Comments

[bearshermark]

That's really an animated snake. I didn't know they were so expressive. It's cute, though.

[temptationaccomplished]

I never realized they were either, but then again it feels appropriate, this tantruming, so perhaps I've been wrong about snakes all this time.

Or maybe it's exclusive to him, I'm not sure.

And I won't be passing along your compliment. I fear he has enough of an ego as it is.

[bearshermark]

When did you get him?

[temptationaccomplished]

This morning. He just sort of showed up.
In my apartment. On the 4th floor.

[bearshermark]

Oh.

OH.

Oh, man. Was he a pet or something from one of your memories??

[temptationaccomplished]

I think he'd object to being called a "pet."
Silly as it sounds, Creme Brulee was what is referred to in some circles as a "familiar."

[bearshermark]

Oh. Like how witches were said to have cat familiars?

[temptationaccomplished]

I doubt they're limited to just cats.
But yes. Exactly like that.

[bearshermark]

Okay. So.. what does that mean for you and him?

[temptationaccomplished]

In this case, it means he's a brat, knows it, and regularly abuses that privilege, and has already cost me a few hundred dollars and considerable space in my apartment that might have otherwise housed books or artwork.

In short, I have no idea.

[darkenedmoon]

[He may have left the phone alone with the snake, but suddenly, there's a voice speaking. Maybe the snake decided to activate speakerphone, too?]

Oh, well! Helloooo there, darling. Does your owner know you're making prank calls on their phone? How handsome you are!

[Apparently, she is not afraid of snakes...]

[temptationaccomplished]

[ Snakes are incapable of smiling, but rest assured if this one could, he would smile and preen. He's a touch vain, just like his human counterpart. From somewhere nearby, bustling in the kitchen, not because he understands the snake, but in the tone one talks to their cat:]

Oh, now look what you've done, you menace. No, I don't care if you think she's pretty or she thinks you are, I'm not going to introduce you.

I hope he didn't disturb you with his call. Although he seems very excited to see you.

[darkenedmoon]

Excited to see me? How curious! I wonder why? I don't recall us meeting. [Directed to the snake, now.] I am quite certain I'd recall meeting such a handsome serpent!

Then back to the conversation at hand.] No, no, he did not disturb me at all! It is quite all right. Though I was a bit confused as to why you might be calling. That it is this scamp explains all!

[temptationaccomplished]

[Creme, who probably somewhat remembers her from Diatu (depending on how much he's allowed) wiggles happily. He might even look a little smug. Aziraphale sighs at him.]

Unfortunately I'm not sure why he called you, but if you don't mind the call, then I certainly don't mind getting to talk to you again. How are you?

[darkenedmoon]

Quite all right, and I trust you are the same?

[The snake is very amusing, and his wiggling does catch her attention, somewhat.]

I do not suppose your little friend there has a name, does he? [If she'd been told back in Diatu, she certainly does not recall, now.]

[temptationaccomplished]

I'm-- [A bit concerned about the sudden snake appearance but, you know. Otherwise it's ok. His social life is a bit of a disaster.] Well, I'm not bad.

A "memory" suggested he was known as Crème brûlée before, like the dessert, so that's what I've been calling him for now. And he's responded favorably to it, or as positively as a snake can respond to something, I suppose.

Video

[serpentinthegarden]

[ The scream from the other side of the phone was the most shrill girlish scream ever screamed and then the world tumbled as the phone flew from one side of the room to the sofa it partially buried itself in.

Anthony looked grim as he picked the thing up and glared at the snake on the other side... but only because Grace had picked up the phone. If it had been him? He might have laughed. Snake phone call? HA, that was original! ]

Right, like I'm going to believe snakes are calling me now... Who is this?? Don't you have better things to do than prank unsuspecting girlfriends?

Video

[temptationaccomplished]

[The scream sends Aziraphale across the room to hastily fumble the phone and the snake with it. And then he is blabbering a mile a minute, nerves getting the best of him. He looks frazzled, then like he's trying to tame his hair and collar, but nothing is going to tame the blush of (mostly) embarrassment.]

Anthony!! Very sorry, dear boy, not at all what was intended. New snake, still working out the kinks! Ha... Didn't realize they were so much trouble. [He says that directed irritably at the snake coiling around his hand in apology.] Nasty little troublemaker. Please give my apologies to your, uh, ...sorry, I can't recall her name. Your girlfriend. So sorry. Won't happen again!

Video

[serpentinthegarden]

You're working out the kinks... in a snake?

[ Just a smirk. ]

Good luck with that. I'm pretty sure snakes invented those.
And her name is Grace...

[ He looked up and across the room, speaking to the woman who was off camera. ]

Friend of mine, he has a new pet. He apologizes for the startle.

[ She must have said or done something funny for Anthony was beaming like a devil when he looked back to the phone. ]

Think she's going to stay over there by the closet. She hates snakes. Never thought of you as a snake-guy either. Do you have any more dark hobbies Aziraphale, room full of tarantulas maybe?

Video

[temptationaccomplished]

[He groans miserably. Oh, leave it to you to find his goof ups.]

Yes, right. I'm sure they did. [Grace, though. He'll remember her name now.

Anthony's smile draws one out of Aziraphale and he laughs.]

Oh, wouldn't you like to know~ Maybe someday you might even be invited over to find out.

But no, no tarantulas. And do let her know Creme Brulee won't jump through the phone. She's safe to move about the apartment. He's only been here for a day, hasn't had the chance to learn any of the really good tricks yet; just the ones that make him a nuisance.

...I think. You know, I'm really not sure what tricks he knows, aside from this and breaking-and-entering.

Video

[serpentinthegarden]

[ And to point them out! Never let a good goof up go by unteased. ]

You named your snake Creme Brulee?

[ There was another smirk in there some where for that one! ]

Is that your favorite dessert?

[ Anthony looked at the snake for a while not really expecting it to start juggling or anything. ]

I didn't know snakes did tricks. I thought they mostly just sunned themselves and downed mice whole.

Video

[temptationaccomplished]

I did. Well, I suppose some version of me did.

[That smirk does funny things to his stomach.]

Creme Brulee is certainly good, yes. (No, no. A good dessert. YOU are a nightmare.) Possibly a favorite, though I hardly think one can have an actual favorite dessert, but no... I think I thought it was ironic. In my memory I recall thinking it was clever or funny, but I don't know why. He is caramel-colored, so that's certainly good enough reason.

[There's a note of hesitation. He really doesn't want to set Anthony down his crusade for answers again.]

I believe he does tricks. Or helps with them.
When I got him--originally--he was supposed to be a familiar. You know. Like a witch has a cat.

Video

[serpentinthegarden]

Devil's food is good.

[ A favorite? Probably not but it was a decadent one.

The snake was regarded again. The phone call was a fluke though... had to be. Snakes can't dial numbers on purpose. This was like a butt dial, he had just managed to slither over the right keys. ]

So... he's like a rabbit? You pull him out of a hat during kid's magic shows?

Video

[temptationaccomplished]

Devil's food is divine. Don't tempt me.

[He wiggles uneasily.]

No. I mean, I guess I could. Actually, that sounds kind of adorable.

But no.

He's supposed to help with actual magic. The sort of thing that got people burned at stakes or sent to magical British boarding schools.

Video

[serpentinthegarden]

[ What was adorable was that nervous wiggle. ]

Magical boarding school... What like that Worst Witch series?

Never heard of those being a real thing outside of TV and movies. And I guess...

[ He waggled his fingers at the screen to mean Aziraphale's memories. ]

Did he come with a spell book and a wand?