tramitem_net | (no subject)

"If you want me to look, I can.. But you're right," Anakin said, but it wasn't a concession. "This worse. I know what happened to me and why. I know who to blame for it, who to get mad at. You don't. You just have the results and questions."

And he knew a bit what that was like, too. Because when he'd first woken up after being in a coma, he couldn't remember anything after climbing into the cockpit of the jet. His memory came back in pieces later - but that initial moment of shock, of no memory, of why, ya, he knew that.

"...Thanks."

He wasn't sure if that was sarcastic or sincere, because he appreciated the empathy and compassion, but it also kind of foiled his attempts to make himself feel better about it.

"Maybe I'll get more answers later, though I'm having a damn hard time thinking that I want more memories of especially this. Anyway, yes, look at it and ideally get me a decent photo, please."

He needed to go get his phone. And hug Anakin.

...He wasn't going to hug Anakin, he just went to get his phone.

Anakin accepted the answer, whether it was sarcastic or sincere. He meant it when he said Ben could get mad. Even if it was mad at him.

"Okay," he said. And waited and held out his hand for the phone.

He really, really, isn't mad at Anakin - just flailing.

He unlocks the phone and hands it to Anakin with a soft, "Thank you." Then peels his shirt off and turns his back to Anakin.

Anakin thought he was ready for this - he wasn't the one that woke up with a random bunch of scars he didn't remember getting.

But the distinct lines of what had clearly been lashings from a whip stopped him short, he almost forgot to breathe.

He paused, his mind bringing up memories that he tried to forget about when he was awake, of slaves on a hot, desert planet, at the mercy of cruel masters.

"Ben..."

He turned back around immediately at the tone in Anakin's voice, alarmed. "What? What's wrong? Sit down. Talk to me."

Anakin sat, handed back the phone for a moment and then scrubbed at his eyes just to get the memories shoved back into the corners of his mind.

"Sorry, I'm- I'm fine. Really," he said, realizing he was upsetting Ben more. " I've just... seen scars like that before," he explained, though he knew this wouldn't help. "In my memories... On Tatooine. On slaves."

He was primarily just concerned about Anakin. He took the phone and watched him closely as he sat and rubbed at his eyes.

Then listened, heard what was being said and promptly sat down beside Anakin himself, going a little dizzy at implications. "Oh. That." He paused and tried to find words - and failed. "That's weird," he finished, very lamely.

Anakin watched Ben, waited to see if he would full on panic.

"You don't... have any memories of being a slave, do you?"

He was not going to full on panic. He was distraught by the idea, but the reminder that he didn't have those memories was-

...kind of helpful.

"No, just being a Jedi. I guess there's no telling what came before or after that memory set, though."

A pause.

"I'm sorry."

Anakin knit his eyebrows together. He really wished he had more memories of Ben. There was something between them that was hard to describe, and Anakin didn't like to admit it, but he could probably figure it out if he just had more memories of Ben.

"Why are you sorry? You... haven't done anything."

"I'm sorry because it's brought up some memories for you that I know are... hard." And in places horrible. "I don't like you upset. Nothing is worth that to me."

Anakin bit back the first thing that came to mind, which was 'OMG you strange and likable man!' But Anakin had just enough sense right now to catch his mouth and shut it. Look down and swallow his first thought.

"You have magically appearing scars on your back- you deserve me managing my own emotions for a night.... It's okay- I promise. I just didn't know how you would take hearing... well, that they are probably from a whip."

Anakin managing his own emotions for one night....

Implying that he was managing Anakin's emotions for Anakin? ...That was exactly what he was doing, wasn't it? Or at least trying to do.

That wasn't something he could do and it was insulting and --

Yeah there was a moment of realization there and he abruptly let it go. It wasn't easy, something from the memories fought the idea, but he sort of forced himself to move past the urge to protect and feeling that he would never be able to... be what Anakin needed.

"It's all right. I'm not looking forward to the memories that accompany the scars, but maybe it'll provide some context. I'm not happy - this is invasive in a way I wasn't prepared for, at all - but it... I'll work through it. And I'm glad you're here and could tell me."

This made Anakin wonder what was in store for him- so far that alien Watto hadn't beaten him with a whip. But there was a lot of time missing between what he'd seen by now and when he supposedly ended up in Ben's - Obi-Wan's - care. A lot could go wrong in that time.

But he didn't say that to Ben, he'd think about it later.

He wanted to say something that would make this even marginally better, but there wasn't really a way to make this better.

"If you need someone to talk to about those memories when you finally get them, you can talk to me... Those won't be easy memories to get."

"I know I can." He and Anakin had a complicated friendship, thanks to those memories - but he did know that. "And whether I am able to, or want to, talk about them or not I will let you know when I get them. Or anything new, at all."

Anakin knew their friendship was... weird. There were uneven facets to it that he didn't quite understand, but maybe he would some day. They were both learning this as they went.

He nodded, though a part of him felt like some of that was a dismissal. He knew he shouldn't take it that way. Trauma was personal, every person handled it their own way and the best thing a friend could do was be patient, help where they were told they could help.

"Do you still want the pictures?" Ben had asked for that, he could do that, at least.

He wanted to be able to talk to Anakin but he didn't quite have words and couldn't stop minimizing in his own mind. He was disturbed but he was... also just not quite processing entirely what had happened to him.

Maybe because he really, really didn't want to.

"Yeah." He passed the phone back. "Alec took a couple but managed to do a terrible job and overlay a sparkly effect which made it less than useful."

Anakin took the phone back.

His expression soured. "Oh... that asshole?" And he scoffed.

He hit the camera button. "Ready when you are."

He stood back up and got ready again, hands positioned forward and out of the way. He shouldn't have felt as vulnerable as he did, he didn't think, so he ignored it.

"He's not the most personable person," he said, somewhat diplomatically. But he didn't really disagree, either.

Anakin was quick about taking a bunch of pictures. He made a few adjustments to lighting and the angles he took. But overall it was easy given the smart phone technology. His goal was to get this done as quickly as possible because he knew what it was like to be this exposed - so many doctors poking his body of that he jet crash, he was used to it by now: for doctors. Anyone else... he'd be just as uncomfortable as Ben if they were taking pictures of his body instead.

"He told me my life was too easy and had no conflict and that it made me spoiled. That I'm thin skinned, too sensitive, and need to be coddled because of it."

He handed the phone back to Ben. "Do those work or do you want me to take more?"

"...He is aware that you are an Air Force veteran missing an arm, right?" He turned back as he said that, took the phone back, glanced at the scars and after a moment of silently looking closed the app. He didn't want to look that hard.

He went to pull his shirt on, though, trying not to be, again, hyper aware of his back.

"Air Force vet, no. Missing right arm? Ya."

Anakin shifted so he wasn't facing Ben anymore, giving him some privacy.

"Some people deny your pain because it makes them too uncomfortable. Some people do it because they're just mean assholes. You'll learn to tell the difference..." Anakin shrugged. "Alec is just a mean asshole." He said it blandly, like he'd experienced it all before.

"Can I help you with anything else?"

It didn't take him long to pull his shirt back over his head and it didn't need tucked in. He put his phone back in his locker and closed it.

"Can I hug you before you go?"

Anakin only paused for a second. He hadn't expected Ben to want that. It's not like they were overly physically expressive in their friendship. And he hadn't minded, touch was kind of a weird thing for Anakin now that he was still trying to re-navigate.

However, the circumstances being what they were, Anakin didn't really hesitate once the request fully register.

"Absolutely."

He stood up and crossed the distance between them. He didn't have anything more to say, just an honest, solid hug.

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neverjedi - 2020-06-10 22:44 (UTC) - Expand