Filtered from the Bureau - text

[darkforcerising]

So... in my memories, I go from being a slave to being rescued by a cult that really doesn't want me... They are like the upper-class Free Masons of the Victorian era but with superpowers, and I'm the street trash they have to walk through, holding their noses.

Guys, I'm starting to think my memories don't have a 'fun' or 'happy' setting...

Comments

[temptationaccomplished]

I'm very sorry to hear that.

[darkforcerising]

This will have no effect on my mental health or self-esteem at all.

[temptationaccomplished]

Of course not. You are a bright, capable young man with your wits about you.

Don't take to heart what this far off cult says. They are not here, nor should you give them any presence through you.

[darkforcerising]

Ya, that's exactly how emotions work when we experience things.

[temptationaccomplished]

I was trying to be supportive.

[darkforcerising]

I'm sorry. You are. I'm being an ass.

I just want my life to go back to when it was normal and all that was wrong with me was an amputated arm and normal PTSD.

[darkenedmoon]

I haven't many myself, but...I don't think mine do, either...

[darkforcerising]

Oh, we should start a club: The Are You Abused in Your Memories club.

[darkenedmoon]

Mayhap, but I do not think I'd give them the satisfaction of thought. Or dwelling upon them. They do not deserve my dwelling upon them, for they are not here.

If you are at all able, you should do the same. After all, you are a brilliant young man, I've seen proof of that!

[darkforcerising]

These memories are physically changing my body. There's no not thinking about them.

[darkenedmoon]

Then perhaps so long as they do not change your mind, what cannot be cured must be endured?

It's not a proper solution, I admit, but this is most definitely not my area of expertise.

[darkforcerising]

That's the thing, isn't it? How do you gain the experience of being in slavery for ten years and it not affect your mind?

[darkenedmoon]

If I knew, I'm certain my life would be easier, as well.

[darkforcerising]

I'm probably going to go insane.

[hardtoignore]

My memories don't really have a happy setting either. But they're definitely fun. In a mean way.

I mean, I'm having fun. I'm happy. But generally that means other people are getting hurt.

[darkforcerising]

I can't tell if you're saying you enjoy your memories of hurting people, here in this life.

Or if in the memories that's what you're feeling.

[hardtoignore]

Oh, it’s in the memories. I’m a pretty gleeful guy in lots of them from what I can tell. Very easily entertained, but it seems like hurting teenagers is my favorite pastime.

Guess my other self is more like the people you’re angry at right now, huh?

[darkforcerising]

I mean, the slavers, ya. They hurt people.

But that's good that you can separate your memories from yourself here, you know?

[hardtoignore]

Did they laugh while doing it?

I dunno, I’m starting to think that maybe the old me had some good things going for him. Never let anything linger in his mind for long. Always did what he wanted. Kinda sounds nice.

[darkforcerising]

They're slavers, of course they did.

You could have all that without the hurting other people, you know.

[hardtoignore]

Nahhh I think too circular to be quite like that.

[darkforcerising]

What do you mean?

[hardtoignore]

I mean I'm not the kind of person who can put things out of my head... just ignore what I've said or done to others. It always circles back.

[darkforcerising]

When you put it that way, ya, that's probably a good thing.

[hardtoignore]

Probably. Maybe. Idk

What use has being good done anyone lately? I wonder.

[darkforcerising]

You know I can feel what other people feel right?

So I can feel when people hate me just because I don't have a right arm.

But I can feel when people don't hate me just because I don't have a right arm.

I appreciate people who aren't awful about my arm. Even when they never say anything.

[hardtoignore]

People... hate you for your arm? That's beyond dumb.

I don't think I quite get what you're saying, though. I mean, sure, you got an inside view of peoples' heads but what does it matter what they do or don't say? People are always gonna be shit in their own minds.

[darkforcerising]

Some people are prejudiced against disabilities.

Prejudices are learned. Everyone learns them because we don't live in a perfect society. Overcoming prejudice is a personal choice that people actively make and have to work at.

The people who aren't prejudiced against me for my disability have made a conscious choice to not be assholes. At least about that. They don't know I know that about them, but I still appreciate that they've made that choice. They've done something good and it helps me.

[traceofeffort]

I'd offer to trade, but I think you'd take me up on that and I don't think you want to deal with at least three different versions of Crippling Self-Doubt: The Experience. All of which involve teenage girls, and none of which have options for shooting the problem, punching the problem, or running away from the problem.

At least you've got superpowers to maybe look forward to? Sorry, I'm trying, but. I'm not sure there are a lot of bright sides to pull out of that.

[darkforcerising]

No offense, but I would rather deal with teenage girls than experience the abuse of slavery.

[traceofeffort]

Okay, that's totally fair and in retrospect I could have put that better. That sucks and I don't really know what else to say? At least the cult is a step up from slavery? I think? At least they probably weren't abusing you?

[darkforcerising]

You know, let's just leave it at the intent behind your attempt and drop the subject. I get that you're trying to commiserate and I appreciate that.

[traceofeffort]

Sorry. Shutting up. Arts major, not English, with a minor in putting my foot in my mouth.

Anything I can help with for... I dunno, something exciting to move past it until you get something less, well, y’know? Or I can continue shutting up. Either way.

[For as much talking to people as her other self does, boy, she is terrible at it sometimes.]

[darkforcerising]

It's okay.

I do better when I have something to work on with my hands. I haven't really been able to do that until now.

[traceofeffort]

That makes sense. My outlet's music, which you've probably figured out by now. Hmm... Hey, we could try and make that your outlet too. Neither of me are amazing music teachers, but you're a smart guy, I can walk you through the basics of an instrument?

Or, I don't know, maybe we could find you something cool to build? A bunch of us looking could probably turn up something exciting.

[darkforcerising]

Maybe.

What instruments do you play?

[traceofeffort]

Just the ones you know about. Acoustic guitar and bass, and the latter I'm kind of cheating with. I know a little bit of keyboard, but that's from trying to compose my own songs and being absolutely terrible at it - I'd love to be better but I have enough trouble with the instruments I know how to play already!

[darkforcerising]

Learning to play guitar might be fun.

[traceofeffort]

Well, then! I'd be up for that. I can't promise I'll be a good teacher, but it should be entertaining at least! Oh, I'll need to look up tabs for some things that'll be easy to start with, and put some fresh batteries in the tuner...

I'll need a little time to get set up, but I should be good in a few days, if you want?

[darkforcerising]

Just let me know when you want to give me a lesson.

[neverjedi]

I'm sorry, Anakin.

I wanted you.

[darkforcerising]

[ After much typing different answers and erasing them. ]

In my memories, you didn't.

But I know you are not your memories and you're a different person here. At least I hope you can separate yourself from your memories. I know it's hard to do that.

[neverjedi]

I think that this is a discussion we should leave where it is and, yes, separate ourselves.

[ It was complicated. He had no doubt Anakin didn't feel wanted but saying he didn't want Anakin - when he has more memory and context, probably - is ... kind of...'frustrating' for him. Enough so to suddenly not be willing to even try.]

[darkforcerising]

[ Anakin wants a more detailed explanation. But he's practiced respecting boundaries so much in therapy, he won't ask for more. ]

Okay.

[neverjedi]

Just.

Look. Your'e my friend and I love you, okay?

[darkforcerising]

I got you.

I just need to figure some things out.

[ And Anakin is under the impression Ben doesn't want to talk about this so Anakin is going to drop it. ]

[neverjedi]

I am here if you need me. Just - I can't pretend I was good at it but I can't pretend I don't remember loving you, either.

[darkforcerising]

You just said

Don't worry about it.

[neverjedi]

All right.