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[darkforcerising]

[The image is shaky as Anakin props the phone up. Once it's in the right spot Anakin steps back until he's in view about waist high on up.

He looks really excited.]

So get this! I noticed I was moving my pen on my desk with my mind yesterday at work! So all last night and all this morning I've been practicing this.

[He lifts up his left hand - real hand - and he's holding a tennis ball. At first, but then he opens his fingers and the ball slowly rises, when it's about six inches about his hand, it starts spinning slowly on a tilted axis like a mini-planet.]

It totally my mind- see-

[The ball pauses its spin and drops to Anakin's hand. He takes it with his right hand and the ball repeats its maneuver. Rising and then spinning on a tilted axis- though this time it's spinning in the opposite direction from before.]

Comments

[neverjedi]

[ Ben went to help Anakin as soon as he had his own skates laced up, matter of fact. It wasn't as though this was new, to them. He paused for a moment in the process, frowned and then snorted. ]

Really emotionally dysfunctional and kind of assholes as a result, but they try.

[darkforcerising]

Oh... I don't know how to feel about that.

[By now the help is routine, it doesn't feel forced. Just there. This was how Anakin had to test the waters.]

Because we feel the things from our memories- like, ya, we're still us, right? And we still make our own choices. But we still feel the things we remember, like we're experiencing them all over again...

I know I've seen other people say basically that on the network.

[neverjedi]

[ Once he's got Anakin's skates tightly laced to the top, he stands up again, ready to move if Anakin stands up.

Because talk and move was something he knew worked for Anakin. ]

Are you asking what I felt about them in my memories or starting on talking about how you feel about yours?

[darkforcerising]

[Anakin was practiced enough by now that he could stand up in skates on his own, though he wasn't as graceful as Ben was.

He stood up and let Ben lead the way to the rink.]

... Both... I mean, I know how I feel in my memories so far- I know how they make me feel... I'm a severely abused kid trapped in systemic oppression and- Not saying this is your fault, but I can't help wondering that being taken in by emotionally dysfunctional assholes isn't going to pan out well for a kid like that.

They try? ... A lot of people make big mistakes while sincerely trying not to.

[neverjedi]

My most recent set of memories has me being about thirteen years old and being left in the middle of a war because I disagreed about whether or not our mission had actually been achieved and if we were morally obligated to continue to help.

[ Ben was a lot less graceful than usual because the boots of the new skates were stiff, and the blades were also knew. Meaning that he didn't have mobility to be graceful just yet. He really was going to have to break the things in, but it was also still mostly a desire to talk to Anakin.

He pulls the blade guards off his - Anakin's wouldn't have those - before he stepped out onto the ice, a little cautious. ]

So I'd say that concern is valid. All I can say from my memories is that I love you and I'm trying and probably screwing up enormously.

[darkforcerising]

Anakin stepped out onto the ice and his push off from the gate wasn't horrendous. He didn't do anything fancy, his goal from this activity had always been increased coordination and balance, both of which he was improving each time he came. And it did show, at least in compared to his first lessons.

"If the Jedi are what you say, it sounds more like the Jedi have screwed up enormously, not individually you... I get the feeling, from the few memories of you that I have, that I really admired you."

[neverjedi]

With Anakin's improvements and Ben's dealing with the rigidity of new skates and the unknown balance of new blades, he was not actually skating much better than Anakin. No fear of falling down, but there was a definite lack of his usual grace.

"I don't know," he admits. "I'm still missing more memories than I have. Right now, I'm not even sure how I end up back with the Jedi. What I do know, and remember, is that you were a great kid and I loved you."

[darkforcerising]

Anakin may have noticed the drop in Ben's skill, certainly the lack of flair the man usually exhibited, but he didn't say anything about it. He figured Ben was doing it on purpose because he assumed the man had that much control over what he did on the ice.

"So the Jedi just left you, a kid, in the middle of a war?"

[neverjedi]

It didn't need commentary and Anakin wasn't wrong. A lot was just how hard he was pressing into the ice and against the skates to force some flexibility into the boots sooner rather than later.

"I chose to stay in the war, but yeah."

He's pretty sure they're supposed to be talking about Anakin, though. Just has to work out how to steer back that direction.

[darkforcerising]

"Our memories play fast and loose with the agency of children," Anakin commented dryly.

He was quiet for a moment. Anakin wasn't trying to avoid talking about his memories, the conversation just flowed. And hearing Ben talk about his memories helped, actually.

"I care about my memory-mom... a lot. But I don't know her, really, do I? ... Do you think these feelings we have for people in our memories cheapens the connections we have with people here, now?"

[neverjedi]

"I think," he says, slowly and thoughtfully, "that emotions for other people and connections to them do not cheapen the emotions and connections we already have. I do think that having emotions and memories about someone you don't know outside of a memory can be really, really uncomfortable and disorienting. I'm not sure why, though. Is it really any different than remembering loving someone that isn't in our life now?"

[darkforcerising]

There was no way Ben could know how that would hit home for Anakin. Because He rarely ever talked about his mother.

He fell quiet While he tried to think of what to say. Or the courage to say it, he was, after all, here to take Ben up on the offer to share these things with him.

“It’s not different,” he said at last. “Or... it’s not enough different. It should- I want it to feel different. And maybe that’s my problem, cuz it doesn’t. It feels too close to losing someone here.”

[neverjedi]

"I'm sorry," he says, simply but with real compassion. "It's hard. With people here, at least they knew they were loved and the relationship and good things are there. With the memories... there's nothing tangible to look back on or hold onto, and. We still don't know if these people were real. It's confusing, it's hard, and it sucks."

[darkforcerising]

Anakin nodded, and again fell silent, as he tried to decide if he should tell more to Ben.

Talking to him had worked out so far...

"My mother died a few years ago. I don't like that I'm... missing a different mother."

[neverjedi]

"That's hard," he said, simply and sympathetically. "Because there's nothing wrong with missing someone from the memories, or grieving for them, but you had a mom and already miss her, a lot. So now it's more feelings and blurrier lines?"

[darkforcerising]

He nodded. These were things he couldn't bring up with his therapist. But he really did need to talk about them.

"And it's another person to miss. I already miss too many people. I don't need more."

He looked over at Ben, "I'm really glad you're here. I don't have to miss you, too."

[neverjedi]

"Grieving is hard. It's harder when it's for people you don't know. I'm glad I'm here and you don't have to miss me, too." He started skating backward, using a little more force. "I remember the mom from your memories, a little bit. Can you tell me about your actual mom?"

[darkforcerising]

The request threw Anakin into another moment of silence. Not that he didn't want to share... okay, maybe part of his didn't want to share, it was so personal. But maybe part of him did want to share. Outside of his therapist, he didn't talk to anyone about his mother.

"She was very kind- hard working- resorceful... and really patient. She was a single mother trying to raise a... kid with ADHD all on her own. The first ten years were really hard, we barely had anything. We lived in a trailer park and because she worked so much I was basically wild. No one at school knew what was wrong with me, and they just got tired of me. But she still loved me, even if I was a mess."

He paused. And he realized that wasn't so bad to say.

"Things got easier when we figured out I had ADHD. And... when she got a better job and we could move out of that trailer park. But some of my best memories of her are from the time we lived in that trailer park. She's the reason I wanted to become a pilot."

[neverjedi]

He filled that moment of silence by doing a slow, wide, spin, and just continuing what he had said he would be doing in the background - forcing some give into stiff leather.

He didn't think Anakin did talk to many people about his mom and that sounded sad. "What's your best memory from the trailer? Or just of your mom?"

[darkforcerising]

Anakin was starting to wonder what Ben was doing, he was usually flashier with his skating.

"When I was six the Blue Angels put on a show in the neighboring town's airfield." He smiled at the memory. "We didn't have money for tickets in the stands, but my mom had a friend who lived right next to the airfield. So we went to her place and climbed up on the roof and watched from there. It was the coolest thing I'd ever seen."

[neverjedi]

Well, as long as Anakin had something to wonder about-- had to keep the mystery alive, after all.

He smiles, slightly. "That sounds like a beautiful memory. Is that what you meant by her being why you became a pilot?"

[darkforcerising]

"Ya," Anakin nodded, smiling. "After seeing that- there really wasn't anything else that compared. From then on I wanted to be a pilot. My mom did her best to help me achieve that."

His smile fell a bit then. "...Then I screwed it all up."

[neverjedi]

He instinctively and immediately wants to protest the idea of Anakin screwing it up, but he doesn't. "How do you think you screwed it up?"

[darkforcerising]

Anakin gave Ben a pained look. Because it was quite obvious.

"I crashed," he sighed. "Lost my arm. Medically discharged. Can't fly... currently, but I can only get a personal license. No more career. And it's not like I'll ever have enough money to own my own plane."

[neverjedi]

"Does your therapist know you see the crash as a screw-up?" He was pretty gentle in asking it, but there wasn't really anything in his tone to indicate that he was kind of horrified by that view.