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[darkforcerising]

[The image is shaky as Anakin props the phone up. Once it's in the right spot Anakin steps back until he's in view about waist high on up.

He looks really excited.]

So get this! I noticed I was moving my pen on my desk with my mind yesterday at work! So all last night and all this morning I've been practicing this.

[He lifts up his left hand - real hand - and he's holding a tennis ball. At first, but then he opens his fingers and the ball slowly rises, when it's about six inches about his hand, it starts spinning slowly on a tilted axis like a mini-planet.]

It totally my mind- see-

[The ball pauses its spin and drops to Anakin's hand. He takes it with his right hand and the ball repeats its maneuver. Rising and then spinning on a tilted axis- though this time it's spinning in the opposite direction from before.]

Comments

[neverjedi]

"I'm sorry," he says, simply but with real compassion. "It's hard. With people here, at least they knew they were loved and the relationship and good things are there. With the memories... there's nothing tangible to look back on or hold onto, and. We still don't know if these people were real. It's confusing, it's hard, and it sucks."

[darkforcerising]

Anakin nodded, and again fell silent, as he tried to decide if he should tell more to Ben.

Talking to him had worked out so far...

"My mother died a few years ago. I don't like that I'm... missing a different mother."

[neverjedi]

"That's hard," he said, simply and sympathetically. "Because there's nothing wrong with missing someone from the memories, or grieving for them, but you had a mom and already miss her, a lot. So now it's more feelings and blurrier lines?"

[darkforcerising]

He nodded. These were things he couldn't bring up with his therapist. But he really did need to talk about them.

"And it's another person to miss. I already miss too many people. I don't need more."

He looked over at Ben, "I'm really glad you're here. I don't have to miss you, too."

[neverjedi]

"Grieving is hard. It's harder when it's for people you don't know. I'm glad I'm here and you don't have to miss me, too." He started skating backward, using a little more force. "I remember the mom from your memories, a little bit. Can you tell me about your actual mom?"

[darkforcerising]

The request threw Anakin into another moment of silence. Not that he didn't want to share... okay, maybe part of his didn't want to share, it was so personal. But maybe part of him did want to share. Outside of his therapist, he didn't talk to anyone about his mother.

"She was very kind- hard working- resorceful... and really patient. She was a single mother trying to raise a... kid with ADHD all on her own. The first ten years were really hard, we barely had anything. We lived in a trailer park and because she worked so much I was basically wild. No one at school knew what was wrong with me, and they just got tired of me. But she still loved me, even if I was a mess."

He paused. And he realized that wasn't so bad to say.

"Things got easier when we figured out I had ADHD. And... when she got a better job and we could move out of that trailer park. But some of my best memories of her are from the time we lived in that trailer park. She's the reason I wanted to become a pilot."

[neverjedi]

He filled that moment of silence by doing a slow, wide, spin, and just continuing what he had said he would be doing in the background - forcing some give into stiff leather.

He didn't think Anakin did talk to many people about his mom and that sounded sad. "What's your best memory from the trailer? Or just of your mom?"

[darkforcerising]

Anakin was starting to wonder what Ben was doing, he was usually flashier with his skating.

"When I was six the Blue Angels put on a show in the neighboring town's airfield." He smiled at the memory. "We didn't have money for tickets in the stands, but my mom had a friend who lived right next to the airfield. So we went to her place and climbed up on the roof and watched from there. It was the coolest thing I'd ever seen."

[neverjedi]

Well, as long as Anakin had something to wonder about-- had to keep the mystery alive, after all.

He smiles, slightly. "That sounds like a beautiful memory. Is that what you meant by her being why you became a pilot?"

[darkforcerising]

"Ya," Anakin nodded, smiling. "After seeing that- there really wasn't anything else that compared. From then on I wanted to be a pilot. My mom did her best to help me achieve that."

His smile fell a bit then. "...Then I screwed it all up."

[neverjedi]

He instinctively and immediately wants to protest the idea of Anakin screwing it up, but he doesn't. "How do you think you screwed it up?"

[darkforcerising]

Anakin gave Ben a pained look. Because it was quite obvious.

"I crashed," he sighed. "Lost my arm. Medically discharged. Can't fly... currently, but I can only get a personal license. No more career. And it's not like I'll ever have enough money to own my own plane."

[neverjedi]

"Does your therapist know you see the crash as a screw-up?" He was pretty gentle in asking it, but there wasn't really anything in his tone to indicate that he was kind of horrified by that view.

[darkforcerising]

"I'm pretty sure I can characterize my mistakes how I want to," Anakin said. "Any way you look at it, it's a screw-up. There's no fixing it. I can't glue my arm back on, re-enlist, get my post back. It's..."

No, it wasn't okay, but maybe someday it would be? Or maybe it wouldn't be. It would just be what it was.

"It's reality."

[neverjedi]

He's pretty sure that the therapist wouldn't approve of that being considered a mistake or a personal failing, but he is damned sure positive he is not a therapist and he is not going anywhere near that one.

"Yes," he agrees, "it is." There really is nothing else he can say to that, but it isn't said without sympathy or with any harshness. Just... agreement.

[darkforcerising]

The look Anakin gave Ben was softer than before.

"I don't... need you to... make me feel better about it. I just..." He shrugged. "Wanted someone to finally know about the accident. Someone not my therapist. I make jokes about it all the time but that's just so people don't really ask what happend... Which... I guess telling you does make me feel better about it."

[neverjedi]

"I'm glad you told me." He means that, completely and totally. "And I'm glad having someone hear you helps." He's heard of some of Anakin's other encounters and they frustrate and upset him.

[darkforcerising]

"Ya," Anakin shrugged. "Talking does that." If you trusted someone.

He then looked down at Ben's skates.

"Why are you being so weird on your skates?"

[neverjedi]

He still wishes he could do more, but is smart enough to recognize that being there, listening, and caring was all he could do--

and also that it helped.

He looked down when Anakin did and then back up with a laugh. "They're new and really stiff. My ankles don't want to bed at all."

[darkforcerising]

Anakin thought about saying more. But stopped himself, he didn't want to push it by dumping too much on Ben.

"Huh," Anakin said, looking down at his skates. "I guess it makes sense they don't all come like this. How long does it take to break them in?"

[neverjedi]

He gave Anakin a quizzical look, but he wasn't sure he could push Anakin so he just went with what was asked. "Depends on how much time I spend in them. Usually about a week they're pretty good."

[darkforcerising]

"Does it hurt?" Anakin asked. Because they had been skating for a while and he could be done.

[neverjedi]

"Nah." Because he's fucked up, but still. "You wanna go grab some coffee at my place. See the cat for a while?"

[darkforcerising]

Anakin smiled, nodded, "Ya, that sounds good." He'd almost backed out, out of fear that he was imposing too much on Ben. But Ben had been the one to ask, clearly Anakin's self-doubt was misplaced if Ben was the one asking.

He let Ben take the lead off the ice.