[somewhat accidental video] -open

[scotch_egg]

[he is on a date. At a restaurant maybe, in a store, walking into or out of a theatre. It is an awkward date from any way you look at it. Either the person is loud, or awkward, or touchy-feely and Alec looks like a mad rabbit ready to bolt at any moment. Whatever moment the camera catches is bound to cause second hand embarrassment.

At some point though during the evening, Alec will find a way to squirrel away from his...other to hiss into the camera:]

Help me.

[though he meant to send it to Anthony, well, that's not how it turns out]

Comments

[temptationaccomplished]

[Oh that's a rare request from Alec. At least directed at Aziraphale. Usually Alec wants saving from him.
He's not sure if whether to be concerned or laugh. He takes a sip of cocoa.]

Dear me, now what sort of pickle have you found yourself in?

[serpentinthegarden]

Really? Really?! Do you not know how to private call?

[ ... ]

Right, what's up?

[scotch_egg]

Oh for fuck's sake. [he hadn't meant him. Maybe it was a mistake. He'd try again. When he speaks i's in a hushed voice]

This woman has grabbed my arse three times in the past ten minutes. There's got to be some kind of law against that right?

[scotch_egg]

[a silence as his eyes drain of all emotion but abject horror]

What do you mean this isn't private.

[temptationaccomplished]

An unfortunate side effect of being mostly self-employed: I'm not up to date on current sexual harassment laws, I'm afraid.

[Another sip of cocoa. He fills in a word in his crossword out of view]

Have you tried slapping her on the back of the hand or spraying her with a bit of water? I hear those are used as common behavioral modification tactics.

Have you told her no?

[serpentinthegarden]

Yea... forget about it. I'm sure you will hear more about it later.

[ He paused taking the time to reevaluate the scene. ]

Are you on a date?

[scotch_egg]

You're enjoying this, aren't you, you shit.

And I-- no I haven't but you'd think me keeping my back to the wall is message enough. I don't carry a spray bottle around with me surprisingly enough.

[scotch_egg]

[...he would forget about it he decided. For now]

Well you're definitely the brains of the family. Brilliant you are. Did the too expensive restaurant clue you in or the fact that I'm hiding by a potted plant like some sort of moron at his first mixer?

[serpentinthegarden]

[ Have a sneer. ]

If you're going Dutch make sure the plant pays it's fair share.

Why are you hiding anyway? Looks like a nice place... Might swig around there with Fell some time.

[scotch_egg]

Piss off. You're the one who was trying to get me into dating apps.

I don't know what to do. If I pay the whole thing is it fine to leave? God I hate this. Why do you do this to yourself on purpose? I can't imagine.

[temptationaccomplished]

I am an angel. I would never delight in your suffering, you poor, sweet dear.

Saying no is a good start. Don’t ask her to read minds or signals. Leaving is also an option. I find that if the smaller boundaries aren’t respected, less likely the larger one will be too.

Would you like a phone call in a few? Give you an excuse to end this early? We can pretend I have an urgent matter of some kind.

[serpentinthegarden]

Going that well is it?

Why? Is she some kind of ogre?

[scotch_egg]

I hate you. Go to hell.

[he scowled] And I don't need your help. I'd rather suffer. If you find my body in a ditch you're the one burying it.

[scotch_egg]

Did you want me to do this just so you could be an absolute bastard about it?

[see him asking for help again]

[serpentinthegarden]

Oh come on... If its a bad date just, just fake food poisoning and get out of there. Never call her again. They aren't all going to be winners.

text

[hardtoignore]

Don't you have some magic? Just snap your fingers and cause a sudden rainstorm and run away or something?

[scotch_egg]

I can't fake food poisoning. I can't eat. I can't even speak. I mean, look at her. [he points the camera in her direction. She's gorgeous and obviously bored]

Maybe I'll just go. Just pay and leave. She won't miss me.

text

[scotch_egg]

Ah no... no I don't. And who runs away from rain? Like as not we'll run together and be in an even worse situation than I started.

[a pause]

Got anything else?

[hardtoignore]

Oh. Sorry. I mean if it's a sudden downpour you could prolly get lost easily.

Uh, you want ME to come make it rain for you? Or idk swarm some bees or something?

video

[chenqing_player]

[Wei Wuxian has been trying to not laugh this entire time, so he is glad when Alec finally manages to address the screen. He has so many ideas on how he could help.]

I could show up wherever you are, drape myself all over you and cry alligator tears about how I regret ever breaking up with you and beg you to take me back. That should either make her run away really fast or..break out the camera.

[serpentinthegarden]

....

Yeah, I'm not seeing the problem here? She's hot, she's patient or she would have left on her own by now, and did I mention hot??

Re: video

[scotch_egg]

Oh, god. Would you? I will quite literally pay you. [is it embarrassing? Yes. But better than answering the question if yet another pair of denim made her look fat. He didn't know. He didn't dare answer either.]

[chenqing_player]

[Time to put on his actors hat. It's a good thing he knows how to be over the top when he needs to be. Really he just thinks this will be fun. He'll feel bad for the lady later.]

If that is what you desire just shoot me the address. I'll make sure the act is really convincing. No payment necessary.

[scotch_egg]

Right.
[he takes a deep breath and rolls his shoulders]

I'm doing this.

[there is blackness and then after about half an hour]



I told her I was gay and she saw your photo and said you were hot and now she wants to meet you.

I think I'll give her our address and then throw myself in front a subway.

[scotch_egg]

Bees? Don't tempt me.

I don't suppose you have any emotional spells in your retinue.