[somewhat accidental video] -open

[scotch_egg]

[he is on a date. At a restaurant maybe, in a store, walking into or out of a theatre. It is an awkward date from any way you look at it. Either the person is loud, or awkward, or touchy-feely and Alec looks like a mad rabbit ready to bolt at any moment. Whatever moment the camera catches is bound to cause second hand embarrassment.

At some point though during the evening, Alec will find a way to squirrel away from his...other to hiss into the camera:]

Help me.

[though he meant to send it to Anthony, well, that's not how it turns out]

Comments

[scotch_egg]

[a silence as his eyes drain of all emotion but abject horror]

What do you mean this isn't private.

[serpentinthegarden]

Yea... forget about it. I'm sure you will hear more about it later.

[ He paused taking the time to reevaluate the scene. ]

Are you on a date?

[scotch_egg]

[...he would forget about it he decided. For now]

Well you're definitely the brains of the family. Brilliant you are. Did the too expensive restaurant clue you in or the fact that I'm hiding by a potted plant like some sort of moron at his first mixer?

[serpentinthegarden]

[ Have a sneer. ]

If you're going Dutch make sure the plant pays it's fair share.

Why are you hiding anyway? Looks like a nice place... Might swig around there with Fell some time.

[scotch_egg]

Piss off. You're the one who was trying to get me into dating apps.

I don't know what to do. If I pay the whole thing is it fine to leave? God I hate this. Why do you do this to yourself on purpose? I can't imagine.

[serpentinthegarden]

Going that well is it?

Why? Is she some kind of ogre?

[scotch_egg]

Did you want me to do this just so you could be an absolute bastard about it?

[see him asking for help again]

[serpentinthegarden]

Oh come on... If its a bad date just, just fake food poisoning and get out of there. Never call her again. They aren't all going to be winners.

[scotch_egg]

I can't fake food poisoning. I can't eat. I can't even speak. I mean, look at her. [he points the camera in her direction. She's gorgeous and obviously bored]

Maybe I'll just go. Just pay and leave. She won't miss me.

[serpentinthegarden]

....

Yeah, I'm not seeing the problem here? She's hot, she's patient or she would have left on her own by now, and did I mention hot??

[scotch_egg]

Right.
[he takes a deep breath and rolls his shoulders]

I'm doing this.

[there is blackness and then after about half an hour]



I told her I was gay and she saw your photo and said you were hot and now she wants to meet you.

I think I'll give her our address and then throw myself in front a subway.

[serpentinthegarden]

WTF! Why would you do that?? I don't want to date her! I have an understanding with Fell!

[ 'Understanding' being what Aziraphale called it. ]

Are you gay? Was that the problem? You can date guys... no one worries about that anymore...

[scotch_egg]

Right now I identify as morgue resident #357. Just think of her as a new cousin. Fell isn't going to mind a threeway.

[he would but that isn't the point]
Christ she's asking if I'm texting you. She wants to talk to you. What do Is ay?

[serpentinthegarden]

Don't... ever use threeway and cousin in that way again...

Tell her no! She doesn't want to meet me, at all, I'd make sure she regretted it. You're a grown ass man, can't you just say you aren't into her or fake a stroke like a normal person?

[scotch_egg]

You had to take it that way, didn't you. It would be her, not

[ugh forget it]

She knows I'm not interested I'm gay. Anyway I told her you were celebate and she said something fond but crass and now I'm going to meet her brother.

Fuck.

[serpentinthegarden]

So not celibate...

[ But whatever, if the lie kept this lady from showing up at his place. ]

What's the brother like, he hot too? Maybe he will be easier to chatup.

[scotch_egg]

More than I needed to know.

You and Fell really--

[no... no he really didn't want to know]



Forget I asked.

I don't know. I'm not going to chat up the brother. I don't care if he's hot. No one is hot. There's a bus. Promise you won't save me if I get run over.

[serpentinthegarden]

Better than a sugar plum.

[ He typed with a happy little smirk which translated about as well as the inside joke. Fell would get it. ]

You're not going to get run over. Text me where you are. I'll get you out of this mess some how.

[scotch_egg]

[I don't even want to think about that metaphor means.]

[It was too bad he's already thinking it.]

We're heading toward Manhatten. I don't know where. I'm afraid to ask.

[serpentinthegarden]

Big place Manhattan. Can you see a street sign, store name, something? Bloody ask her before you end up in a seedy dive some where without any cell coverage.

[scotch_egg]

She says I'll know when I get there? Something about a lot of bears? Do you know this slang?!

[serpentinthegarden]

Oh, you're in deep trouble.

You're either heading to Bear-a-Bear where you will be forced to... kiss a plastic heart and stuff it into your overpriced bear... Or...

[ Swift intake of breath. ]

She's dragging you out to the Bear Bar. That's... bit of a wild place... especially for some one who has just come out of the closet...

[scotch_egg]

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

[a beat later]

i told her i'd die. she told me to thank her later. can't Americans get a hint or do i have to claw my way out into traffic myself?!

[serpentinthegarden]

Just go inside, don't make eye contact with anyone, and if a big drag Queen with a blonde wig comes up and asks you to dance... Don't. I'll be there quick as I can.

[scotch_egg]

Aye. Okay. I'll be here. Don't leave me.