[somewhat accidental video] -open

[scotch_egg]

[he is on a date. At a restaurant maybe, in a store, walking into or out of a theatre. It is an awkward date from any way you look at it. Either the person is loud, or awkward, or touchy-feely and Alec looks like a mad rabbit ready to bolt at any moment. Whatever moment the camera catches is bound to cause second hand embarrassment.

At some point though during the evening, Alec will find a way to squirrel away from his...other to hiss into the camera:]

Help me.

[though he meant to send it to Anthony, well, that's not how it turns out]

Comments

[scotch_egg]

Address? I don't know. One bloody mall or another. It has a Neiman-Marcus if that helps.

[temptationaccomplished]

Oh now that's not nice.

But alright. I shall give last rites and everything.

[serpentinthegarden]

WTF! Why would you do that?? I don't want to date her! I have an understanding with Fell!

[ 'Understanding' being what Aziraphale called it. ]

Are you gay? Was that the problem? You can date guys... no one worries about that anymore...

[chenqing_player]

Wow..okay. This could take some time. Why are you even at a mall on a date? Is she twelve?

[A very rich twelve year old...He might be googling the closest Neiman-Marcus...]

[scotch_egg]

Appreciate it. [try not to drown in the sarcasm]

Right.... Back in...

[he makes sure to turn the device off, but wouldn't you know it? He's not as sure as he thinks. The woman in question is quite pretty in a broad sort of way and whats more has a personality that could crush a man to death for good or ill depending on his preferences.

'Welcome back, pumpkin' she says in a husky honey voice. He replies with:

'Don't call me that, for god's sake. I'm not a dog.'

'No, but you do need to be loved.'

'I'd really rather not'

But too late he is taken up in the arms of misplaced affection and crushed against the massive personality. Don't cry for him, Fell, there wasn't much left of him to begin with]

[scotch_egg]

Right now I identify as morgue resident #357. Just think of her as a new cousin. Fell isn't going to mind a threeway.

[he would but that isn't the point]
Christ she's asking if I'm texting you. She wants to talk to you. What do Is ay?

[scotch_egg]

No. Don't be disgusting. She's twenty-seven, twenty-eight.... [and a beautiful brunette as he might see as she emerges from the dressing room. Striking a pose]

Ah, brilliant.

['That's what you always say.' A pout. 'I think it makes my butt look big. What do you think?']

Ah, hang on, getting a call.

[and he turns and gives Wei a frantic look]

[chenqing_player]

[He laughs.]

Okay okay..I'm working on it. I'm actually not that far from the nearest one. Maybe I'll get lucky. What's wrong with having a big butt anyway? Some guys dig that.

[scotch_egg]

Do they? I suppose there is a song about it.

[ the girl gives an impatient: "well"?!]

Erm...it's great. I mean on you... not your arse... unless you want it to be.

[kill him. Kill him now. Make it quick. He doesn't even care about painless]

[hardtoignore]

Oh, I'm willing to tempt!

But seriously, I don't think I've ever tried to affect another person with my magic. Even in my memories. At least, not in a way that wasn't me like... throwing lightning at them or whatever.

[scotch_egg]

.....

Can you try? I won't be angry if you fail.

[at least not at him]

[chenqing_player]

Woooow...smooth. You keep lines that like coming then you won't even need my help.

[Is this the kind of store that is going to demand to know how much he makes a year before walking in the door? He should have put on something more..expensive.]

I'm outside of one. I hope this is the right place or else you're going to have to keep coming up with those great compliments.

[serpentinthegarden]

Don't... ever use threeway and cousin in that way again...

Tell her no! She doesn't want to meet me, at all, I'd make sure she regretted it. You're a grown ass man, can't you just say you aren't into her or fake a stroke like a normal person?

[hardtoignore]

>Really? Um, sure, lemme run a test real quick.

[About seven minutes pass...]

>Sorry, no dice. Just tried to use magic to convince my guardian to switch from being tired to energetic but it didn’t work.

This is actually the first time I’ve tried something and not got a reaction, actually. I need to figure out what’s different here.

[scotch_egg]

You had to take it that way, didn't you. It would be her, not

[ugh forget it]

She knows I'm not interested I'm gay. Anyway I told her you were celebate and she said something fond but crass and now I'm going to meet her brother.

Fuck.

[serpentinthegarden]

So not celibate...

[ But whatever, if the lie kept this lady from showing up at his place. ]

What's the brother like, he hot too? Maybe he will be easier to chatup.

[scotch_egg]

[he would have said something cutting as he was already bloody well embarrassed enough but the woman is clinging to his arm as they are burdened with bags and he's fairly bring dragged from the shop at a fast clip. Wei might have to trot to keep up but frankly Alec wouldn't mind being tackled round the ankles.]

[chenqing_player]

[He spots his prey and tucks his phone away safely in his pocket. He follows at a distance for a bit, making sure to pick the perfect spot to let the exhibition take place. He scoots down a side aisle so that he can hurry ahead of them. Only way to make this work is to come in from the front. He hops out of a store a few feet ahead of them.]

Alec?? Oh..my..gawd...I've missed you so much. I can't believe this fate!

[Wei Wuxian does as he threatened and basically throws himself at Alec, wrapping his arms around his neck and ignoring the woman on his arm.]

[scotch_egg]

More than I needed to know.

You and Fell really--

[no... no he really didn't want to know]



Forget I asked.

I don't know. I'm not going to chat up the brother. I don't care if he's hot. No one is hot. There's a bus. Promise you won't save me if I get run over.

[scotch_egg]

Damn. Well there's no help for it. If I tell you where I am can you translocate a lightning bolt?

[scotch_egg]

[oh god. Oh christ. Oh what the hell was he doing? What he said, yes, but they were making a scene and people were staring and the woman was scowling and saying:

'What are you doing? Get lost, bozo!' And tries to tug Alec in another direction. Since he is basically stitched together with balsa wood and a prayer, he is only saved from stumbling in her direction by the arms round his neck]

[chenqing_player]

[Sorry Alec. He couldn't resist going the full crazy. He shoots the woman an unimpressed look.]

Bozo? Really? Is that the best insult you could come up with? Alec, you really have downgraded in your tastes recently.

[He looks up at Alec and pouts.]

Are you replacing me? She's not nearly as cute as I am.

[serpentinthegarden]

Better than a sugar plum.

[ He typed with a happy little smirk which translated about as well as the inside joke. Fell would get it. ]

You're not going to get run over. Text me where you are. I'll get you out of this mess some how.

[hardtoignore]

Uhhh

Maybe? But I can’t really account for accuracy. If you’re too far, I’m pretty sure that lightning will do it’s own thing.

[scotch_egg]

[I don't even want to think about that metaphor means.]

[It was too bad he's already thinking it.]

We're heading toward Manhatten. I don't know where. I'm afraid to ask.